Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Happy Friday
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.