OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
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Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster