Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*