My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
You Might Also Like
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Saturday
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence