[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.