All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
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Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.