Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”