[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.