Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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i meant to share this earlier
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.