How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.