Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Denise please return my vape pen
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions