Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land