Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in