Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”