Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….