I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*