Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Merica.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job