Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When you kidnap a writer.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
This one’s “Alex”.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.