Just what the hell are you juicing with this?馃馃ぃ
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Show her you鈥檙e into her by running your toes through her hair
normalize having existential bread
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I鈥檓 just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I don鈥檛 understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Jogging
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I鈥檓 older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn鈥檛 Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it鈥檚 a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn鈥檛.