Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.