Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
You Might Also Like
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.