even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would