ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’ll be mad as hell!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect