[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
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I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
opening a flower shop called women in stem
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it