Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.