Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.