The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika