*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?