If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
me when i see my girls butt
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Here’s a meme
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa