I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
2023 was just a warmup
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣