My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.