the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
why am I working on Labor Day
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday