Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Sing it!
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No