I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy