Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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WHO DID THIS?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I think I’m having a stroke
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me