My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
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my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
what’s more important?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?