Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy