ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.