gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
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Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.