[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
You Might Also Like
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Taking phone security to the next level.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
bad news gang
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”