My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough