Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down