[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece