[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
honestly, i need both:
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
also my go-to takeaway order
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.