Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
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My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Always
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[eulogy]
line?