[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
there has never been a better use of this meme
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Netflix and you sit over there.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.