Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure