One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
WTF IS THAT!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
(Jupiter –
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]