theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
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People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.