sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
You Might Also Like
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough